Today is an ‘After & Before’ day for me.
Two days ago my wife, Sophie, slipped and fell. She broke her ulna and now has a piece of bone floating, unattached, in her elbow. With luck she’ll have an operation today and be pinned back together by this evening. In the meantime I wait. Between accident and starting recovery there is a period of limbo. She’ll probably be fine but until she’s on the other side I worry. I can’t do anything. I just have to leave her at the hospital and wait to find out. I’m uncomfortable with being unable to take responsibility for fixing it. I’m not a surgeon so it would be very unwise for me to try but I still don’t like the feeling of powerlessness.
Music is a cathartic experience for me. One of the things I really respond to in listening and writing instrumental music is that provides a very direct emotional connection for me. I’m not hoping someone else’s words will express what I cannot. I don’t need to have words at all. It is pure mood.
If I connect with the moods in the music I can be free to explore my own story. My own thoughts and feelings are given a context and safe space to express themselves outside the concerns of my immediate environment. I’m briefly free to feel how I need to feel. I have company on that journey without someone else superimposing their own stories over mine.
Next time I need this particular piece of music the details will be different, but it will help me tell that story just as clearly.
Today my story is about waiting to find out that after her accident Sophie is going to be ok. Until then I wait in the before.